I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
