And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
