dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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