I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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