There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
