She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Four minutes until I can fart!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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