i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
