Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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