i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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