i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
