It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
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I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
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And then my night got REAL pukey
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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