I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Alive.
So much puke
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
