If i could tip my vagina, i would.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
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