phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Can I color on your dick again?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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