I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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