two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
