How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
