I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
i think i just lost a toe
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
