I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
