Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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