she looked like the before picture.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
