In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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