What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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