EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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