I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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