I'm going to rape someone's good day.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
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Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
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If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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