I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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