We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
