The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
