I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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