I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
