haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
