life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
