Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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