Moan for me like Helen Keller
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
