never play flip cup with pint glasses
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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