I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
