You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
