I got chris browned last night
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
