Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
