You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
