Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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