I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize