My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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