did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
