I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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