my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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