Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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