GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
