Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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