Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There r osticjed everywhere
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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