so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
