You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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