I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
