So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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