meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
